mimi

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Tue, 01 Jul 2003 13:39:10 GMT

damn, it's been over a year since i posted in this journal.

more cheese than wisconsin

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Fri, 21 Jun 2002 14:00:19 GMT

oh man...i got a big ol' crush on a boy. i didn't see this happening, but voila...here it is...'bout two weeks now.
he's so rad. i am gonna see him this weekend. *eeee!* i totally feel like a silly giggly highschool girl. *shakes head at herself*
but yay! yay for this boy who knits and plays bass and is a self proclaimed feminist. *giggles* oh man. what a goof i am. :D

perception analysis

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Tue, 04 Jun 2002 13:21:43 GMT

alienation is such a destructive force. we try to pretend that we cherish diversity. the truth of the matter is ofcourse we don't. and i don't mean that as a broad social generality. i mean that on a very personal level. i'm ashamed of myself for that base distaste i feel towards some creatures. there is no reason for me to be repulsed by insects. goodness knows most of them can't hurt me. i'm like 9198781 times their size. it just boils down to the fact that they are so foriegn looking. they don't have similar facial features (or in some cases a face, heh) dogs and cats are cute to us because we relate to how they look. and even armed with this logic, i cannot get passed it. potato bugs will very likely always make me feel ill. i wonder how much of this type of thing branches over for me when dealing with other people. i think then the alienation happens not externally, but when i identify them as being grossly different internally. exteriors on people really do mean nothing to me. or atleast i don't think they do.

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Mon, 03 Jun 2002 15:29:09 GMT

it's so strange how starkly different my week is compared to my weekends. it's as though i lead two lives. heh. like a super hero? no. no, not a super hero. super villain? no, not that either. look, i just don't wanna wear spandex, okay. *giggles* but very damn different none the less. during the weekends i'm always bouncing off to another state. this doesn't feel like a sustainable way of living. but, i must say is rather fun for now...atleast on the weekends.

this weekend was parasailing in NJ, next weekend is my birthday party in rochester, the weekend after that is airplane flying lessons, and on it goes.

so this got me to thinking. i think everyone has something(s) they want to do before they die. so let's hear it. what's yours? what is it that you're really inspired to do someday? (i don't really mean things like have kids, or fall in love, or stuff like that. i mean adventurous stuff...things that you have a significant amount of control over.) hey who knows. maybe if it's something that i'm looking to do too, maybe we can join forces and make it happen.
go on, don't be shy. :)

chillin with max

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Sat, 01 Jun 2002 06:22:43 GMT

so the lil person in my arms is max. (that's jen's sister's baby) isn't she just soooo precious?

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Thu, 30 May 2002 14:27:11 GMT

:D
this morning was the best! i woke up to breakfast and coffee and music. thank you culturalrecluse. you rule!!!
so my friend sid and i are spending the weekend in philly. i'm almost never ever here. i'm trying to think of things i wanna do. any suggestions? the more off the wall the better.

so far i'm thinking horseback riding. heh. not in philly..but outside of it there's a lot of farm country tho you wouldn't think so. but i've never been horse riding and i wanna give it a try. sunday we're gonna try out a different club i haven't been to yet, and monday is movie night at the troc and guess what they're playing??? fight club. whohooo.

but anyways, send me all your wacky ideas for the weekend, kay?

and then there was me

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Wed, 29 May 2002 14:50:14 GMT

you know, it's coming up on my birthday. normally my attitude about my birthday is hey, i didn't do anything to get born... it's silly...but hey, another excuse to get together with the people i love. okay.
this year, it's hitting me differently. yes, i still didn't do anything to get born, heh. but, i dunno. maybe i'm still under the influence of the car accident, but i'm really freakin happy to be here dancing around on this planet. thank you mommma for not aborting me, even tho you went to the clinic and almost did. thank you mustang for not claiming my life. so, not to sound like an ego maniac or anything, but this year i'm happy to be alive to celebrate (even tho i didn't have any active role in my birth) hehe. so i hope to see you guys that can make it at my party. and don't feel bad if you can't. i still love you. :)

how much is that mimi in the window?

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Mon, 27 May 2002 14:09:52 GMT

the accident of course still has my mind churning. it's becoming increasingly chilling to me to think how we place dollar values on things on which they just don't belong. to think, had i died in that accident, some amount of money would have been given to my family in compensation for me. is that sick or what? eek. how the fuck do we go about determining shit like that? how do you place a monetary value on life? is that what it really all comes down to in this country? in college this issue arose in my cost benefit analysis class. children and old people are worth less money than someone who is an income earner. ech.

the term 'life insurance' just seems so absurd. you can insure inanimate things, sure, that makes sense. but a dollar value on life? is that not rediculous? i read once, that in south africa you can buy something called 'rape insurance.' yes, a dollar amount then is given to the holder of the policy in the event that they are raped. i know, i know, you're probably thinking that i'm diving into this too deeply. but fuck off, this really doesn't sit well with me. it really does say something about our values as a society. damn money zombies.

so anyways, yesterday i had a really great night. i got to sit among friends, new and old, with a pint sized kitten on my lap. sound simple enough? yeah, well it really meant a lot to me. i am all smiles today and my heart feels good. and, there really isn't a dollar value for that now is there? not available packaged on some shelf. batteries not included.

the sweet smell of being alive

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Sun, 26 May 2002 23:49:49 GMT

i am here in plattsburgh visiting rach and her bf. for those of you that don't know, that's really close to montreal. so across the border we went, in kirk's baby (2001 cherry red mustang gt convertable). we got to montreal w/ just one speeding ticket. we decided to tool around the city in the convertible before parking and getting out to sight see. yeah...well we didn't get that far. we were in the city about five minutes, when from the backseat as we're making a left turn, i notice...holy shit...that car's headed right for us, and fuck is he going fast...CRASH!!!

yeah. it was bad. luckily tho, kirk realized that we were going to get creamed and that rachel and i were super vulnerable being on the side of the car we were on. in that split second he thought to straighten out the car, so that we took the impact head on, rather than rachel and i getting T-boned. so, the other sports car (the one that hit us) with two beefy muscle guys (wearing the tightest shirts ever) crashed into us probably going about atleast 50. we're pretty sure that they were racing the motorcycle next to them, and that the driver wasn't paying attention at all because he made no attempt to slow or swerve or anything. we hit so hard, that their back window shattered, and the bumper of our car flew right off and the whole front end just crumpled. oh, when the car hit us, he bounced back and hit the motorcycle guy in the lane next to him. i guess he drove over the guys foot or something. but somehow, everybody involved was fine...even the motorcycle guy. rachel got a lil scratch on her head from hitting the visor, i got a little bruise on my leg, and kirk was completely fine. both muscle guys and the motorcycle dude were fine. the mustang however, oh...there is no mustang anymore. i have a piece of it in my purse. what a souviegner, huh? it was odd because in montreal everyone speaks french...so communication was pretty difficult.

it really is amazing that we're all alive. and that we went to a bar afterwards for beer, not a hospital for major trauma. i feel very lucky today, to still be putzing around completely unharmed.

intent

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Fri, 24 May 2002 11:03:36 GMT

Utilitarianism:
the ethical doctrine that virtue is based on utility, and that conduct should be directed toward promoting the greatest happiness of the greatest number of persons.

My Question:
is our society as it functions today utilitarian?

My Answer:
perhaps, if you believe that ignorance is bliss.

boundless

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Thu, 23 May 2002 13:09:33 GMT

this morning i woke up early for no real reason. i lie there as different stages of awareness swept their pixie dust over my mind. slowly, the dream state shifted and i found myself talking outloud...having quite the conversation with myself.
"what is it that you're looking for out of life?"
"meaningful existance."
"and what does that mean to you?"
"i don't know. they don't teach you that in school."
"ahh, you know everything you're against...but not what you are for. you are weak."
"no, that's not true. i'm still looking. still trying. please understand."
and then i jarred to being awake awake. what was all this? this outloud monologue.
oddly i remember what i was dreaming...yet it seems quite disconnected from the conversation.
it was the dream of a kiss. not a passionate kiss, not even a friendly one. it was very odd. it was almost without emotion. rather it was meant to tell me something. convey some meaning, some meaning that was lost to me even while dreaming.

instrospection is always the product of solititude

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Thu, 23 May 2002 01:34:10 GMT

i keep dreaming of the ocean
i can almost hear its soothing voice
rolling away, rythmic yet not quite predicatable

so majestic and beautiful in it's shapelessness.

it's smell and it's breeze so healing...not antiseptic, but organic healing

i've been thinking of _that_ summer
i was 13
what a different creature then.
i spent every day as that summer passed at the oceans side in lush virginia. so very different from the grey days of buffalo.
so contentedly alone, i was that summer.
unaware and unconcerned of how i was blooming and passing into another stage.
another stage and another form.

then again at 18. another stage, another form.
this time college was my ocean.
this time i was no where near alone, i had a sea of warm people all around.
this time more aware of the changes taking place, but equally as unconcerned

now, here i am. about to turn 23. is this another stage?
if it is, this time i'm all too concerned and not aware at all.
where is my ocean?

merf.

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Wed, 22 May 2002 12:35:32 GMT

it makes me sick when somebody acts like they're better than somebody else because of whatever their job function is. i was in line at the work cafeteria, and started chatting with the cashier lady. i asked her where the lady that is normally the cashier was. she told me that she was on vacation. one of the company vp's was behind me listening. and the contempt brewing on his face was so disgusting. pompous ass. he actually said, "you mean you people get vacation time?" like lunch ladies are less deserving of a break?
*stomp*
so i clamped my mouth shut and walked away.

okay, i'm drowning in work...back to it.

my 2 minute love, if you will

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Tue, 21 May 2002 13:44:28 GMT

what do you say of the person that's had to fight for every single thing they ever stood for, ever believed in, but never saw it as an option? just viewed it as the state of affairs? interpreted the hostility as part of being alienated, and accepted that fact.

hopefully you see that in yourself. because that's what i see in you, my friends. i was thinking about it...and that seems to me to be a common thread among us all. i really do love you guys.

uh oh, here we go :)

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Sun, 19 May 2002 18:20:36 GMT

hmmn. the book that i'm *still reading* (been diverting attention elsewhere...and abandoned my poor book for awhile) but in anycase, where i'm at now in it made me think of discussions fishslayer and i have been having. so i just thought i'd take a few minutes to shamelessly break copywrite of this book (malcolm bradbury's eatting people is wrong) because it seems relavent, and c'mon fish let's talk. hehe. and sid...perhaps you have something to say bout this. or anybody else. this provoked some thought from me...

it's a conversation between two college professors...

"but why are we teaching in a university in the first place? goodness knows it's not for the money. it isn't because we want to teach, or because, simply we love scholarship. isn't it because we want to live in a world of circulating ideas and critical valuations? isn't it because we love independence and freedom of thought? or am i being naive?"

"in a way i think you are."

"well i don't. if our function isn't to talk about what is good when the rest of the world is talking about what is profitable, what can we do?"

"you seem to think that the function of the university is to give a training in taste and improve the standards by which people live. but to what effect? how would this serve them, as far as their social function is concerned?"

"they would act as a group of protestants when people tried to lower standards and the values of our civilization."

"but what is going to happen to this group of malcontents?"

"they would form a pressure group on behalf of the survival of serious values."

"yes, but you simply develop a group of disordered citizens with no real social role in the society they live in."

"but they do have a social role; every society needs its intelligentsia."

"no, i disagree. in anycase, it's necessary to accept the fact that university graduates must go into business and industry. some can stay outside, a lucky few like ourselves; and we can afford to know better than everyone else. we don't have to face the moral problems of living with it."

"but even those who can't be independent can at least perceive what is wrong, if they are shown."

"well aren't you just saying it's better to be neurotic, sensitive, and miserable than unimaginative, adjusted and content? is it really better?"

"it's my belief that it is better. that's why i'm what i am. what concerns me is that the quality of life and the standards that people live by seem to me to be getting worse, and we're not doing anything about it."

"you're still saying that the function of a university is to make people discontented, which is an anarchistic position to take up."

sew what?

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Sun, 19 May 2002 12:44:56 GMT

yesterday was one of those days that started off shitty, but later got better. the canceled flight lessons kinda pissed on my parade. but later in the night i got industrious and started my luck at sewing. i'm quite pleased with the results (that are about 3/4 of the way there), for it being my 2nd time at the drivers seat of my sewing machine. first time i made some curtains. that was easy as hell, and required no thought....just straight line across. last night tho, i got quite a bit more daring. *makes scary face* hehe. i designed my own pattern, and went to it making a hippy shirt thing to wear to some of the festivals i'm going to later this summer. *makes stubborn face* shut up you guys, this doesn't make me a hippy. *giggles* okay, well i'm gonna go try to finish that shit up now.

hi

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Sat, 18 May 2002 22:41:59 GMT

got some pics taken about two mths ago dev't. here's one of me.

foiled

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Sat, 18 May 2002 22:11:34 GMT

so i went to the airport.
met my flight instructor, as he gave me the bad news that it was too damn windy today to go fly. argh. he was cool tho. but he explained it as trying to learn to drive a car on a road fulla pot holes going 100 mph. so i rescheduled for 3 weeks from now...which is the next time i'll be here ona weekend.

this porridge is too cold

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Sat, 18 May 2002 02:34:01 GMT

okay...so there's a fundamental problem...that's been discussed already in my mind and outloud but here it is again.

i don't believe in sweatshop work. well, who the hell in this world does go around saying they do believe in it. ofcourse...this is one of those things, like stabbing babies in the eye, that everybody is against. hardly anybody would have the audacity to try to defend it. yet, sweatshop work is tollerated and practiced all the time.

i feel like a giant hypocrite because the company i work for uses sweatshops almost exclusively to make the products we sell. ...which by the way are absolutely useless.

so, meems why you work there? well..that whole mouse trap. i need to work because i need to be able to support myself. i feel it necessary to add that i am a vegetarian that worked for a pretty long while at mcdonalds. ughh. it is a trap indeed.

this much is evident i do not plan at staying where i am now forever.

however, i find myself playing along with this stupid cycle of work for a certain time frame. sometimes it's neccessary for me to be in the system in order to plan a way out.

and there's a certain amount of personal comfort (how selfish, eh?) that my job now offers me. i really like my boss, the work keeps my mind really going...as i get to use daily, the stuff i studied in school, it's actually really interesting to that math nerd part of me. but fundamentally, yes...the place does suck. the products they make, their wasteful advertising, their icky corporate shit...that is all too common of a theme. i've had conversations with my boss about this. she's been there for 13 years. she moved there away from everything she knew as well...with her husband at the time. then her relationship with him fell apart and she was here alone. anyways, she feels like well it's this or work for yourself and forever be faced with that issue of money again. *sighs* eating your soul to fill your belly.

there's two things. two things that i've tossed around for years about doing...and one that i've been recently thinking. i dunno. but what do mimi's do? mimi's talk to people, take the good ones in and keep them forever in my heart, help people, act/live independently, learn stuff...a little about everything. there's a plethera of things to be done that would provide outlet to these things and a focus for me. these ideas have been to become a professor, become a biostatistician, or to own a coffee shop. yes, yes, i'm one mess of a gemini. i know these appear to have no continuity. but really, they'd all provide outlet to the things that are of my nature and that i really enjoy. being a professor would land me right back to the place that's been my stability all along. i'd get to help and talk to people, and perhaps be able to take classes once in a while just to learn something else. being a biostatistician, that would land me back to school for a while...and it'd help people...tho i probably wouldn't get to speak to ppl as much as i wish. this is the one that has been a recent idea. i'm not sure if this one would be the greatest to persue...but it wouldn't take much additional schooling (2yrs) since i have the stats degree already...and it'd improve my income so that other persuits would become possible faster.
and the coffee shop. this idea is one that's been there the longest. i've always loved coffee shops. and no, not starbucks or the coffee things in the middle of borders. but personal coffee shops. provides a relaxed atmosphere for conversation to ensue. a base for other things. art shows, open mic poetry, all sorts of things.

before i can persue anything though, i need to clean this slate of mine as best as i can. get my emotions and my finances back in tact. and then parade on.

interesting

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Sat, 18 May 2002 01:00:30 GMT

http://www.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/europe/05/17/germany.animals/index.html

sad commentary that without writing it down on official paper and giving it a special word, 'law' that things don't get the respect they should. because although neccessary, laws are a messy trail into the verbage of things. how things are stated, making black and white out of grey words. and half the time it seems the debates are of 'how it might be taken' ... 'what it could turn into' ...therefore making things take forever to get done. but that's the nature of words i suppose.

categorical analysis of sorts

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Fri, 17 May 2002 22:42:58 GMT

i see now that there's two type of people really. the majority of people who are wandering about doing all sorts of shit...and a few ppl that know exactly what they're in search of and what their moral bounds are. group one can be further split down into two subcategories. A: those who are content to remain like that. B: those who really are trying to get a handle on it, but aren't quite there for whatever reason(s) and still fall down a lot.

being perfectly honest with myself, i'd have to say that i do fall in group one. group one B.

many stages and seasons i've been through. some i floated through. others i stomped my way through. although now, i don't agree with them i'm not particularly embarrassed of them either. hey, i wasn't born with a manual. least i'm trying to get this shit right.

so here i am being swept into a different season. a different stage if you will, in my attempt to iron things out. i'm moving out of a time of a time of mourning the loss of a relationship that was extremly important to me and a big hunk of my life. four and a half years exactly. the old journal was quite the bloody mess of that garbage. but, a new time now. new journal. seems like i'm brushing the old stuff under the carpet? yeah, well in a sense i am. i need to, to some degree.

and so here we are. this new time for me has been brought to you by a few things.

one: the end of school for me *plays doom music*. i know, that is an important time for anyone having just finished college. but, my entire life school was the one area of focus i never ever lost sight of. the one thing that was not just a phase. it was EXTREMELY important to me. it's been a year now since the degree was handed to me. *closes eyes*

two: as i state in my bio, my friends are so very important to me. okay, well after school i accepted a job that moved me out here 300 miles from my nearest friend. why'd i do that? that brings me to point three.

three: the relationship. ahh. that's quite the story in itself, but i don't want to talk about that here. but anyways, as it was, it seemed he was going to move here with me...but then everything changed.

so for these three reasons i entered a really passive, pretty depressed state. a lot of the time having little control over myself. sometimes embarrassingly so. but it's come time for that shit to end. i have no patience for it anymore. and i've reached the conclusion that there's bridges burnt and not to be rebuilt and that will have to be fine.

from there to here, here to there

glamorousvoid@yahoo.com — Wed, 15 May 2002 02:37:34 GMT

i am here, here is where i am.